Over and Over
SEP 9th, 2024
hey again friends. i hope you've all been keeping safe and doing well!
once again, lots has changed here and elsewhere, so i'll separate things:
Website Updates
looks a little different, right? its a strange feeling for me, looking at the previous theme. it feels like a time capsule that holds a past version of myself! i will always love primary colors and pixelated fonts, but i've felt a lot more at home in this more earth-toned palette as of recent. i've changed, and now my internet home has changed with me!
not too much has changed, though! i'm still a poke-fanatic (and proud!), so some new friends have joined the homepage and my about-me section.
it was a lot of fun finding the updated fonts and messing around with colors, and i do hope you enjoy the new look overall! who knows when it might change again, but for now, i'm pleased.
there are other small miscellaneous changes around the place, but a bigger one is my new photo gallery! this is where i'll upload some of my favorite pictures i take with my digicam. recently i've been really into photographing local plants! feel free to check it out every once and a while to see some fun new stuff!
Life Updates
have you heard the song "Over and Over" by Rio Romeo? that's just about how i've been feeling.
to be less vague, in june i ended a long-term relationship with somebody i care about very, very much. this was half because we ultimately had different things we wanted in the long run, and half because i have been very unwell for a very long time. this cycle of unwellness has been a constant in my life, and it has caused me to continuously hurt people i love more than anything.
if you're seeing this at the time that i've updated my website, you'll see that i uploaded two blog entries -- one from july, and this one. i wrote the one from july shortly after arriving home from a trip to visit my family, but couldn't get myself to publish a change to the website until now. in that july blog, i mentioned that i'm taking a gap year from school to try and get, generally, better.
in that time, nothing has changed. i continue to struggle daily. i forget important things despite all sorts of reminders, and then i forget that i forgot. it hurts realizing just how much of recent time feels completely lost to me, and i hate the unfamiliarity i feel when i look at my past. i am in the throes of seemingly random bouts of intense depression and fear, where unknown triggers send me into spirals of self-hatred. it feels like sleepwalking through life. i am unable to complete almost any task unless anxiety is the motivator, and when the stars align and i both remember i need to do something and have the wherewithal to do it, it becomes an internal struggle. it feels like there is a part of me that wants to heal, improve, grow, and generally thrive so that i can be there for the people that i love and create things for others to enjoy, and then there is a part of me that sees no point in any of it because i am already doomed to be a miserable waste of peoples space and time. every day i fluctuate between telling myself that i am fine and/or making things up and trying to convince myself to get better.
every day, i am surrounded by love. just last night i was holding back tears as my roommate and best friend laid beside me on my bed, her two cats sleeping across my legs and my other childhood best friend talking with us on the phone. that's what hurts most -- i really could handle feeling this way for the rest of my life if it didnt affect the people that i love, but it does. right now, i can't be present because i'm not there. i desperately reach out to life, and it does reach back, and those moments are genuinely beautiful. i really, really do love life. i just don't know how to exist the way i've been existing anymore, and i don't know where to look for help. over and over.
i lay all of this out here for a few reasons, one being the aforementioned memory issues. this blog continues to be a place where i can follow my own breadcrumbs and connect to my past, especially since ive fallen out of the habit of journaling. that leads into a second reason, being that i promised myself that this space was somewhere i could unabashedly be my honest self, and honestly, this is how it has been. third, i hope this honesty might let somebody somewhere know that they are not alone in similar feelings. we may not know where we are or where we are going, but we're going together. i beleive in you, and i wish us both good things.
a work-in-progress illustration of New Bark Town from Pokemon Heartgold/Soulsilver
as i said in my last blog post, good things have happened even still! i've been much more encouraged to get moving and walk as of recently because of my pokewalker, and that in turn has given me a reason to wake up early in the morning and go for beautiful walks. i've had great talks and wonderful quality time with my beloved friends, my dad has made an awesome recovery since i last spoke about him, and i've found bursts of energy to create things to share with people! people over on my art tumblr have been super kind and enjoying what i've been posting, and on my personal i've found some wonderful mutuals and other great people to follow! i really, really am excited about the future, i just need to find my way there.
The Future
i love this website, even when im sick! it brings me so much joy to be able to create a space on the internet much like the ones that excited and interested me when i was younger, and my passion for it is strong regardless of where i'm at in my life! i end all of these with "expect more updates soon!! ive got lots to come!!", but ive realized thats just not realistic for myself right now. the dream would be an update weekly, the attainable reality at least twice per calendar month, but for right now, expect updates. no set time or amount or content, but you can expect them, and i hope you'll enjoy them.
i love making things that people like! nothing makes me happier than making something useful or exciting or heartwarming or generally positive for someone else and seeing them enjoy that! usually that comes from the digital art that i make, but i want this website to be full of things like that for people! i know this is my personal site, but that doesn't mean i just want it to be for myself! i would love for this place to be somewhere people enjoy browsing, clicking through, playing with, discovering, collaborating... the community aspect of the early-internet mindset is something that i really, really love. i want to make friends, join webrings, and hear from you! yes, you!
currently, the free version of neocities is limiting in how i can recieve correspondence from people. i've been semi-considering migrating to another host to use ayano's comment widget. it seems just right for what i'd need without having to completely self-host, but i don't currently have the funds to pay the neocities supporter fee. we'll see, but for now, the guestbook is back in the form of rover.atabook.org! we'll miss you, 123guestbook.
i love my loved ones! my 22nd birthday is days away, and i'm looking forward to spending it with people that i love! ill be sure to share what i do with all of you guys, including pictures! :]
so, in short:
website focuses: i want to get my pokemon shrine live, then focus on interactivity and community!
personal focuses: i want to enjoy my time with my loved ones and fight to get better!
thank you for being here and thank you for reading. be safe, and have a great day, friend. see you soon!
> Auden [he/they/it]
Twenty Two
SEP 13th, 2024
"it's my birthday today! happy birthday to me."
another lap around the sun! another ring in my tree! i turned 22 yesterday! woohoo!
the day started with lots of very sweet messages from my friends and lots of beautiful and heartfelt art as gifts! i seriously cannot even begin to say how much i appreciate all of the drawings my friends made me, they all have so much meaning and love behind them and they bring me so much joy to look at :] while people slept, i went on a morning walk and talked with my friend as i got my steps to 4,500. my birthday goal was to walk 100,000 steps so i could try catching a surfing or flying pikachu on my pokewalker (so we could be birthday buddies!!)
then, my roommate and bestie was tasked with keeping me out of the house from the hours of 12 to 4, so we walked around stores, ate a yummy lunch, talked a Lot, drove around, and ended our trip by picking up a special order from a local small-business bakery! i had these cupcakes when my sister came to visit me a bit ago, and i knew right away that i wanted to order a batch for my birthday! aren't they the cutest?? they're rootbeer flavored and have two different kinds of icing!
once that was done and my friend was given the all-clear, i went inside... to a completely decorated house! my color is yellow, so everything from the forks to the tablecloth to the balloons to the straws was yellow and adorable!!
we played some very good rounds of gartic phone, then my friends made my favorite foods for dinner (and it was delicious)! we ate the cupcakes, and then they had me open presents!
fun fact: my roommate that i mentioned before adopted a kitten last year around november. it turns out me and that kitten share a birthday! we're birthday buddies! happy first birthday, count! :]
my friends got me all sorts of wonderful stuff, including lots of fun art supplies, some adorable pokemon mega-construx, and yummy treats! i'm excited about the protein bars especially -- i donate plasma, but continue to have very low protein levels. i have a hard time eating regular protein bars (they taste likes styrofoam to me...) but i've heard that these are really really good!
i love making and wearing beaded bracelets, and im really excited to make some fun stuff with all of the crayons and markers! the confetti ones are adorable and slightly sparkly! if any of you guys are reading this, thank you again!! you're way too sweet and i love you all so so much!!
after all of that was said and done, my friends told me that they had one more surprise for me. they had been keeping me out of the kitchen all day to hide this from me, so i was completely surprised when i saw...
my cake! my dear friend had made me a confetti-lemon (my two favorite flavors) minecraft cake, with a candle for every year! my first reaction was to be taken aback by how thoughtful and well-made the cake was, and to be humbled by the kindness of the people i am lucky to call my friends, and my second reaction was to immediately blow out the candles because they were absolutely a fire hazard.
we ate, we talked, and our last birthday task was to go on a walk! i had a few thousand more steps to go, and i was determined!
i sat with my pokewalker for hours, getting encounter after encounter. eventually, my roommate wanted to give it a try, and she spent an additional hour trying to find the elusive flying/surfing pikachu. after 10,439 steps and over 2,600 saved watts spent, we never encountered anything higher than the teir below it!
oh, well! say hello to bernard the volt tackle pikachu. another birthday buddy!
so, another birthday down! what a wonderful day full of wonderful people. i'll be totally honest, i'm still not in a much better headspace than i was in my last blog entry, so it was a little hard to think of what to write besides a beat-for-beat recap of the day. i am so, so grateful for the incredible people in my life who went out of their way to show me how much they love me. i don't feel like i deserve it or them at all, so guilt creeps in, but i know that's not what my friends would want me to feel, and that the only thing i can do is let them know how much i love them in return and pay it forward.
i never thought i would make it to 22, so it's a bit strange for me. ever since i've surpased 18, i've always thought, "well, what now?" slowly but surely, i have been changing that into a "what next?"
i'm determined to make this year a year of positive change, on behalf of my beloved friends and family who want to see it happen. i hope the same happens for you!
one last little note: it's friday the 13th! my absolute favorite day! take today to watch something scary, and if you're not a fan of scary, try and get yourself to do something "scary" -- something youve been putting off or feel like you're not "good enough" for yet. i beleive in you!
thank you very much for reading, and have a wonderful rest of your day. see you soon!